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Sexually speaking

Dear Holli,

I am a 21-year-old female and I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm. I am currently living the single life and have been enjoying it quite a bit (if you know what I mean). I have been with both men and women and have not felt that orgasmic eruption that everyone talks about. How do I know if I’ve had an orgasm? Help me, Holli!

Well my dear, my response is simple. If you have to ask if you’ve had an orgasm or not, you most likely have not had a clitoral orgasm, though you may have climaxed vaginally. Vaginal orgasms are fantastic, but sometimes a woman can be left feeling unsatisfied.

Clitoral orgasms are the ultimate “orgasmic eruption” that you referred to. The feeling is so powerful and unmistakable that you’ve got as much chance of missing it as you have of not noticing a dinosaur in your backyard. Keep in mind that an orgasm varies with each sexual experience, as well as from woman to woman.

For example, about 12 percent of women never experience orgasm, while up to 70 percent do not achieve orgasm solely from penetration (sexual intercourse).

Many women require direct stimulation of the clitoris to be able to achieve orgasm.

When comparing a vaginal orgasm to a clitoral orgasm, a vaginal orgasm can feel like a wave of pleasure flowing throughout your body. A clitoral orgasm can feel like an explosion or like a tidal wave.

I would also suggest oral sex. Oral sex orgasms are not only intimate, they are also very intense and powerful. According to Hot Sex by Tracey Cox, orgasms promote cardiovascular conditioning, make the skin glow, improve overall body tone and can cure menstrual cramps. The emotional release makes us feel less stressed and more relaxed.

If you go home with your partner and you still feel that you have not had a vaginal or clitoral orgasm, try finding your

G-Spot and A-Spot. The G-Spot is a small cluster of nerve endings and glands near the woman’s urethra or urinary tract. The G-Spot usually can’t be felt unless it is stimulated.

The A-Spot is located on the front wall of the vagina, a third of the way down from the cervix.

For the ladies:

The easiest way to find your G-Spot is to squat. You can sit on a toilet or the edge of a chair if that’s more comfortable. Now, insert your finger into your vagina (use lubrication), curving it so you’re hitting the front wall (aim for your belly). Feel around a little until you find a raised area. Some experts say it’s around the size of a pea.

Next, slide two lubricated fingers inside your vagina, stimulating it until you hit a small mass of spongy material a third of the way up the front wall (curve your fingers and aim toward your stomach). This is your G-Spot.

Continue upward to find your cervix. It feels like the very round end of a nose. Move back until you’re about halfway between your G-Spot and your cervix. That’s the A-Spot.

For the guys:

Like the female G-spot, the male’s is near the urethra. His “G-Spot” is called the prostate gland. Apply some lubrication and make sure the male lies down on his back. Gently insert a finger into his anus, and then feel up the front rectal wall until you find something that feels like a walnut. Hold your finger still until he relaxes, then start massaging firmly in a downward motion. He will feel tingles everywhere once the spot is found.

Dear Holli,

My boyfriend says he doesn’t get any satisfaction from having intercourse with me. He says my vagina is too big. His penis is of average size. Until I met him, I didn’t think I was that big. I’m hurt by what he has said. Are there any positions we could try, or any exercises I could do to help our problem?

Of course you are upset and hurt by what your boyfriend said. Keep in mind that it might be your boyfriend who is a little on the small side. Women do often worry that their vagina or vulva size is on the bigger side.

If you are concerned about your own vagina, I highly suggest going to Student Health Services or any other health care provider and talking to a doctor. If you have never had children, it is unlikely that you are too big.

Unfortunately, in our society and in many other countries, it is a common stereotype that women who have had a lot of sex are more likely to have larger vaginas. However, no matter how much sex you have, this will not affect your vagina or vulva size.

If you still feel your vagina is too big or slack, you can do Kegel exercises. Kegel exercises are when you rhythmically squeeze the vaginal muscles. To get you started, try this:

• Tighten up the muscles at the front of the lower part of your body – as if you were trying hard to stop yourself

from peeing

• Hold this contraction for 10 seconds

• Relax for 10 seconds

• Contract again for 10 seconds

• Continue to contract and relax like this for a full five minutes

• Repeat four times daily

For more information check out:

Cox, Tracey. Hot Sex. Bantam Books, New York. 1998.