It’s almost finals time and you know what that means: It’s time to watch a lot of television. I took a break from the fine programming of PAX to think about a couple things. For one, Domino’s has spared the obese of America the pressure of deciding what to eat with its new cheeseburger pizza. Secondly, with the advent of ESPNU, it seems that there is a definite lack of sports-themed programming on television. On that note, I introduce my new channel, ESPNT, and a partial lineup.
3:00 p.m. 2005 NFL Draft Special — (encore presentation)
Description — ESPNT reporters join families and friends in the respective homes of star college quarterbacks Jason White and Timmy Chang to record the excitement of being selected in the NFL Draft.
4:00 p.m. Mexican Cockfighting Championships
Tonight’s episode: Semifinal matchup between “Rooster Cogburn” and “Sugar Lay Eggard.”
4:30 p.m. How’d They Do That? — Ordinary people do extraordinary sports acts.
Tonight’s episode: A Tampa man comes back from a four-players-to-one deficit to win an office dodgeball game.
5:00 p.m. Seinfeld
Description — Seinfeld the way it should be viewed: without the annoying laugh track.
5:30 p.m. NBA Playoffs
Description — Thirty minutes is about all the time I can dedicate to the NBA playoffs.
6:00 p.m. Cops: On Campus
Description – Police take to the streets attempting to stop the inevitable from happening: college athletes breaking the law. Tonight’s episode: Knoxville police hold back a belligerent Brent Schaefer from assaulting his girlfriend’s harasser. Penn State players shoot arrows through dorms and future Bull Carlton Hill tries to get his freak on in school.
7:00 p.m. The Tuesday Night Sports Movie — MVP: Most Valuable Primate.
Description — The story of Jack, a fun-loving, scene-stealing primate with a penchant for ice hockey. Join in the adventures of this rookie player who skates fast, shoots hard and drives everyone bananas.
10:00 p.m. Extreme Makeover: Athlete’s Home Edition
Tonight — A special heart-warming episode. Ty Pennington and ESPNT parent company ABC attempt to help Minnesota guard Latrell Sprewell improve his low quality of life. The crew installs a second home for his “starving family” and fixes up Spree’s Escalade by taking off his horribly outdated 20s and putting on fresh new 24s.
11:00 p.m. Eating Out! — Sports-themed show inspired by IFC’s Dinner for Five.
Tonight’s episode: Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen, Kansas’ Mark Mangino and Eagles head coach Andy Reid discuss everything from the no-huddle offense to the all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at Huddle House.
12:00 a.m. Celebrity House Party 1 — Collection of has-beens and never-wases live in a house together.
Description — Balki from Perfect Strangers, Omarosa from The Apprentice and slugger Jose Canseco highlight the cast. To me, the possibilities for comedy with these characters are endless. It’s too bad VH1 beat me to it.
1:00 a.m — 5:30 a.m. The Simpsons. Hey, it’s my channel.
6:00 a.m. USF Spring Game — In an attempt to gain media support, Bulls head coach Jim Leavitt offers the rights to rebroadcast the Spring Game on my network. I reluctantly agree and stick the game in a time slot to focus on its target audience: BullsPen members fresh off graveyard shifts at McDonald’s.
Now it’s time for me to shut it all down and return to PAX for a two-hour block of Walker, Texas Ranger.