Just as we finish dusting ourselves off from Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, we Floridians are faced with two more hurricanes. Haven’t we gone through enough this year?
Guess not. The following is Thursday’s 5 p.m. press release from the National Whether or Not Service.
As officials urge residents not to panic, the storms “George” and “John” have already made landfall several times and continue to crisscross across the Florida panhandle, pounding radio and television stations with advertisements. Authorities suggest you be as prepared and informed as possible. So turn off your televisions.
Experts predict that the storms will reach hurricane status sometime next week, adding that the storms’ respective eyes will cover the entire state Nov. 2. As a result, a mandatory evacuation of all illegal aliens, non-Florida residents, felons and those under the age of 18 has been officially issued. Sadly, though, Katherine Harris is allowed to stay.
By Wednesday, experts say, both storms will have reached Category 4 status, with advertisements coming in at a rate of 30 per minute. Authorities agree that both will reach Category 5 status by Nov. 2, which will bring 45 commercials per minute, all of which will be negative. Consequently, officials say that half the state will slowly slip into madness.
Ironically, the last time that two Category 5 storms hit Florida simultaneously was exactly four years ago when Hurricanes “Al” and “George” pounded the state for more than a month. When the storms finally let go of the state, it was determined that George had caused slightly more damage. Apparently, George caused roughly 570-some more leaves to fall off trees.
Palm Beach County, which was hammered by that similar storm in 2000, is again expected to sustain some substantial harm, as Hurricane George is projected to pass directly through the county’s voting booths, consequently wiping out thousands of ballots. In other words, the county’s people will lose their power.
Outside of Palm Beach County, though, damage will be limited to only those standing on fences. Everyone else will remain firm.
In related news, meteorologists have shrugged off Tropical Depression “Ralph,” saying that the storm will cause minimal damage. However, citing a similar situation in 2000, experts are predicting Ralph may siphon power from John, therefore weakening the hurricane’s influence.
John, which originated off the coast of Massachusetts, is left of Florida and observers have noticed the storm has reversed and switched positions several times. Consequently, experts admit they have had difficulty judging what John will do and where it will go next.
Off the right side of the state, George continues to hurl towards Florida, but experts have noticed that the storm has a tendency to stutter, and have likened it to a stalling car. And in an extremely bizarre coincidence, meteorologists in the Middle East claim that a nearly identical storm has been smothering the country of Iraq for more than a year.
Since the two storms, which are spinning in opposite directions, are headed for a collision course in Florida, observers predict the state will be divided in half. They say being able to tell who was hit worse will be extremely difficult. Therefore, authorities are urging all the major news organizations to not even try this time.
With the storms set to hit in less than three weeks, Floridians, and Americans in general, are concerned about the state’s preparedness. After all, just four years ago, Florida was in a similar situation and was vastly under-prepared, resulting in mockery and ridicule by the nation’s media and late-night talk show hosts.
Lastly, officials warn that what happens in Florida will most likely dramatically affect the rest of the country. They say both storms will cause damage and suggest that before you decide what to do, ask yourself this: Which one will be more destructive?
John Calkins is a junior majoring in mass communications. email@example.com