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The Straight 2 Video Chronicles

China Strike Force

Cast: Mark Dacascos, Aaron Kwok and “Gangsta’s Paradise” one-hit-wonder Coolio (and to ease his transition into the world of acting, his character’s name is, surprisingly, Coolio — it didn’t quite work, anyway).

Tagline: “Extortion. Murder. Revenge.” Maybe more like Boring. Kung. Fu.

Plot: Well, there’s dangerous women, mysterious gangsters and Chinese mafia. There’s also betrayal, drugs and cars. But who needs a plot in a kung fu movie, anyway? Oh, and the movie’s soundtrack is re-recorded over the film. That’s right, that means lips and sounds don’t always match. And if that wasn’t enough, each panoramic shot using a long lens makes all the buildings curve in and lean toward the center of the frame.

Best line: Many racist lines insulting Chinese, Italians, French and Americans are uttered throughout the film, but all culminate in a line said by one of the Chinese rappers to Coolio: “You know, I always thought black people could only sing, dance and play basketball. But you’re pretty smart … even for one of them.”

Movie music hell: Another Coolio original, “I Like Girls,” plays an important part in this film. But with lyrics such as “Treat her like she’s special without spending a penny/ She walks in there, you’ll show her and take her to Denny’s” how can anyone resist searching for a 99 cent Coolio album on eBay?

The real moral of this story: All you need to know in life is kung fu and how to put it to good use. But haven’t we all been taught that in grade school?