Dear Tom Green,
It’s official: You have worn out your welcome.
You are the epitome of how public access television – while it has a place in society – has spawned a generation of miscreants and misfits who fail to look beyond sophomoric humor and thereby lower the standards of what should consume our entertainment time allotment.
You have sucked the udder of a cow. You have masturbated a horse. Now, I like bestiality jokes as much as the next guy does, but that’s why there is late-night television.
Let’s put it this way: Glitter was nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award (Razzie) last year for worst picture – but you won with Freddy Got Fingered. And you accepted the award.
Funny? Sure. Pathetic? Um, yes.
You’ve done what you wanted to do: degrade the quality of acting in feature films.
OK, move on.
Whatever you do, please stay away from movies. Your most recent offense can unfortunately be seen in Stealing Harvard, the latest comedy where your humor just doesn’t work.
What’s the deal with those off-camera stares – you know, the ones where you don’t even look at your fellow actors – when you go off on rhyming, repetitive rants? I can’t tell if you’re wasted or reading cue cards.
Jason Lee is usually funny. But when he has to share the screen with you, your contagious idiocy makes him look like a moron. And he started acting after a professional skateboarding career. You made the leap to Hollywood after acting like a professional jackass.
Mr. Green, even Andy Dick makes fun of you. But when he did his stints on NewsRadio and movies such as Road Trip (which also starred you, by the way), at least he played a semblance of a character.
When you get on the screen, it’s you. It’s not an acting job, it’s not a character – it’s distracting. Not to mention annoying.
Now I’m not saying you’re worthless. I’m just saying when such comedians as Adam Sandler do movies, at least they can act. You just do your same shtick time and time again.
And you know what? It’s old.
Go back to TV. Do another special on testicular cancer.
Heck, go back to Canadian public access television.
I’m sure there’s a place for you. But it shouldn’t be in movies where your stupidity has a better-than-average potential of bringing down the whole show.
Go sing about sausage on the small screen.
At least there we can switch the channel.
But hey, that’s just like my opinion, man.
Every person who saw Freddy Got Fingered
Contact Will Albritton at firstname.lastname@example.org