My friends, we need to fundamentally change the way our government operates. It would be useless to sit by and have experts come up with solutions to the crises Americans are facing. We must act quickly, irresponsibly and without foresight. The only people capable of fixing our problems are politicians.
It’s common sense, of course. They created these problems, so naturally they must have the solutions for them. You may not agree, but let me assure you that their methods are flawless. The United States needs leaders with the ability to razzle-dazzle the public with thoughtless proposals and empty promises. The investigative process for public officials should be vigorous, but limited to their use of rhetoric. One must evoke the essence of puppy dogs and sunshine to hold center stage.
If a particular candidate is unable to do this, the more negative option must be employed. A candidate who smears his or her opponent with vacuous and venomous claims is nobler than the political pacifist who thinks it’s somehow honorable to stick to the issues.
Much like the rest of American policies, change can only come by saying it over and over again. This is why I propose enacting a federal law mandating that every citizen chant “change” every hour, on the hour. For those who are unconvinced and consider the dissenting opinion and philosophy of change treasonous, a compromise could be made to add “country first” to the vociferous vocalizations. This type of forward thinking could only come from a maverick, and it is going to take a maverick to get the job done.
When it comes to fiscal responsibility, a maverick realizes it’s the economy, stupid. Our money doesn’t need to be insured or backed by any sort of tangible standard. If we elect mavericks, our currency will be immediately backed by guns, flag pins, bald eagles and the scent of fear from our communist enemies. “In Maverick We Trust.”
Mavericks are never out of touch with mainstream America. Lost your job? Not the maverick’s fault. Maybe you should’ve been acting more like a maverick and that wouldn’t have happened. A maverick in the hand — or in this case, new administration — is worth two in the Bush.
Mavericks are spot-on when it comes to foreign policy. The country can no longer stay the course, but it also cannot cut and run. Mavericks never cut and run.
I’m pretty sure Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly, and carry a big maverick.” I once saw a maverick save seven unborn American children from a bear by simply mentioning Ronald Reagan’s name and — get this — the bear was Russian.
Perhaps the best quality of mavericks is their integrity. There’s no need to worry about any unethical activity with a maverick because mavericks only play by their own rules, and they’re so mavericky that they don’t play by those either. A maverick once said, “I am not a crook.” Mavericks are never crooks. Mavericks try it, but never inhale.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what a maverick can do for your country. “Ich bin ein Berliner,” misspoke JFK in West Berlin. This can be translated to mean “I am a jelly doughnut.” What he really meant to say was: “Ich bin ein Maverick.”
Make no mistake: You can be a maverick too. Don’t be confused by all the vague “this one” and “that one” speak. What those political candidates really mean is: We are the mavericks we’ve been waiting for. All it takes is a little bit of practice. Say it to yourself: “Yes, we can (be mavericks)!”
Just remember, a maverick always puts the country first. If you’re looking to subvert the perfect political philosophy I have envisioned with thoughts of policy reform and “facts,” you’d be better off sending those ideas to the liberal media at Fox News.
Daniel Dunn is a junior majoring in philosophy.