I want your sex (tape)

The American obsession with celebrities has found a new forum in recent years: the celebrity sex video. You know, the videos that magically appear when a certain entertainer’s career needs a boost. The videos are usually “stolen” to allow the “victim” to bask in the glow of their five minutes in the spotlight.

The latest stolen sex video scandal involves Limp Bizkit’s front man, Fred Durst. Durst and a female friend’s recorded escapades were originally reported stolen from Durst’s T-mobile Sidekick, just days after Paris Hilton’s phone list leaked. Yet Durst claimed it was not stolen from his Sidekick, but leaked to the Internet by a skilled computer repairman. Obviously, Durst’s departure from the scene has not impeded his creativity.

The Web site www.celebsextapes.net reveals some stars who dabbled in the porn biz. While there are the obvious Pam Anderson and Miss Hilton videos, a shocker is the Barbra Streisand sex video. Apparently before her break into showbiz, Babs showed off in some grainy X-rated footage. Another surprise is Charlie’s Angel, Cameron Diaz. Diaz lost her halo for some fake-bondage scenes early in her career. Prankster Bam Margera joins the unexpected bunch with footage of him and his girlfriend, Jennifer Rivell. I wonder what Don Vito thinks about that?

The annoying thing about most of the celeb sex videos is they’re not very good. If you are going to leak some porn to help your career, you should up the ante on the quality. So, here is my advice for the next entertainer whose video is going to leak.

First, use good lighting. For example, take the Paris Hilton video that was shot in the weird, green nightvision. It’s not flattering and is just poor quality. The media needs to see your face clearly in order to report how you are victimized.

Another good idea is to have a celebrity partner. It worked for Pam and Tommy Lee. And Pam and Brett Michaels. Paris and Nick Carter. Two celebrities involved in a sex scandal equals twice the press.

Once the video has leaked, make sure you dump your partner. The victim should be ashamed to be seen in public with his or her sex co-conspirator. In your interviews, explain how you just want to put it all behind you.

Finally, never make sorry excuses. You had sex. You had sex on video. Admit it and take responsibility. If you really don’t want your personal life exposed, turn the camera off. And Americans need to stop settling for bad celebrity porn. At this point, any new leaked videos are just media ploys, and we should demand a higher standard.