NFL, say it ain’t steroids

Steroids! Aren’t we all sick of hearing mindless steroid talk?

Well, I also thought the topic of steroids was rife within the sporting world and needed a bit of a rest. My brow accumulates sweat every time I hear the word. But when steroids enter the NFL — the unlikeliest of sports, I might add — it brings a solemn joy to my life.

According to an report, three Carolina Panther players received multiple steroid prescriptions from a West Columbia, S.C., doctor during the two weeks prior to the Panthers’ storied 2004 Super Bowl run. Offensive lineman Jeff Mitchell, current Tampa Bay Buccaneer lineman Todd “first-and-fifteen” Stuessie and lame-duck punter Todd Sauerbrun have all been named in the report.

The report stated that Mitchell filled his prescription eight times, while Stuessie filled his 11. Sauerbrun was claimed to have requested syringes and Stanozolol, a substance banned by the NFL.

Even after all this information, my only question is this: Why does a punter need steroids?

You have one role, and that is to kick the pigskin.

What’s the problem, Todd?

Having a hard time getting that leg up with a beer gut?

Now, being as the Carolina Juicers — er, Panthers — are the Buccaneers’ heated rival, it feels semi-sweet to be a Buccaneer fan again, if only temporarily. Granted, all the Bucs have done since winning the Super Bowl two years ago is post back-to-back losing seasons for the first time since the Sam Wyche era. Without much light at the end of the tunnel, with salary cap troubles and team mutiny, it feels delightful to see our NFC South rivals squirm for a bit.

Who knows? Future Bucs players may be implicated, and seeing as how Stuessie is a Buccaneer, we have a former cheater on our roster.

But if it comes out that the NFL has as severe a steroid problem as baseball, do we get to put an asterisk next to the NFL’s top rushing attack for the 2004 season?

I mean, two of the more integral parts of the offensive line are juicers, so aging back Stephen Davis and injury-prone DeShaun Foster could have had the extra space to hit the hole on their way to combining for more than 1800 yards in the 2003-2004 season.

The NFL has always patted itself on the back for its steroid policy, but now the sport may be as marred as baseball if future evidence implicates other teams and players.

All things considered, all this proves to an NFL fan like myself is this — even steroids couldn’t stop the New England Patriots. So here’s to the juice.

I can’t wait for the draft.