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The Straight 2 Video Chronicles

Here at The Oracle, we are blessed with free DVDs we are sent to review. Some are good, some are decent, but most are not worth anybody’s time. Each week, one of our staffers will waste their 90 minutes so you don’t have to waste yours (unless, of course, you want to) to give you a synopsis of those movies that are not worth a real review.

American Gun

Tagline: It doesn’t have one. But if it did, it might read: “The longest 90-minute film in the history of Straight to Video Chronicles.”

Plot: Martin Tillman (James Coburn) searches for the person who killed his daughter (Virginia Madsen) by tracing the gun that police found at the crime scene. The movie also has about seven other subplots that are “loosely” related to the main one, mostly told through a series of letters to a deceased person. Oh, and the acting is worse than any Pamela Anderson Baywatch performance.

Fatal Flaw: The plot has so many twists that the movie just becomes stupid. Viewers will be lost trying to figure out the entire point of the film. The main character’s flashbacks have nothing to do with the plot and seem more like the deranged musings of an escaped Alzheimer’s patient.

Movie-music hell: Just when the movie couldn’t get any worse, the director throws in some migraine-inducing techno music during an unnecessary nightclub scene. The music will make people wish for their own American Guns, so they can shoot themselves.

The real moral of this story: Guns are dangerous because they make people go crazy and shoot others. Or maybe the lesson is not to write letters to your dead daughter because she’ll never be able to read them.