The following is a conversation between President-elect John Kerry and former President George W. Bush, minutes before Kerry’s inauguration January 20, 2005:
Kerry: Boy, who would have thought?
Bush: Tell me about it. Jeb told me I had Florida in the bag again. Honestly, I think he’s eyeing 2008. He never liked me.
Kerry: Well if it makes you feel any better it looks like Gore is having more fun as “the real president” anyway.
(They both let out a fake laugh.)
Bush: True dat.
(Awkward silence ensues. Kerry thinks to himself, True dat?)
Kerry: So I hear you are going back to the ranch?
Bush: That or I might start my own line of military fatigues. Hey, if P. Diddy can do it, so can I.
Kerry: Oh, the prime minister of Malaysia?
(Bush just ignores Kerry’s obvious stupidity. Bush thinks to himself: Who deserves to be president if they don’t even know who P. Diddy is?)
Kerry: Sorry about those references to you being AWOL in Alabama.
Bush: Oh, it’s all right. I wouldn’t have been caught dead in Vietnam. Good thing my dad knew people.
(Bush chuckles and then realizes maybe he shouldn’t have said that.)
While we are making amends, sorry about labeling you as a Dukakis Liberal. Cheney and Rove thought it would be the best strategy, and God knows I can’t think for myself.
(Bush chuckles again and his shoulders shake.)
Kerry: True dat dawg.
(Kerry tries to be cool and feels out of place with references to P. Diddy. Bush is taken aback for a second but now feels comfortable with his main man. They initiate a complicated handshake. Kerry looks dumbfounded.)
Kerry: So you have any advice for me?
Bush: I would recommend not fabricating intelligence, that doesn’t go over well with those crazy Soccer Moms and NASCAR Dads. I learned that the hard way. I would also recommend finding that bugger Osama. (Bush shakes his shoulders sheepishly). I would also recommend not turning a huge surplus into a huge deficit.
Kerry: I won’t have that problem. (Both laugh.) Anything else?
Bush: Umm, well I would try and actually help the environment for starters. Maybe not turn your back to the world community. Not shut out the press, those scavengers. While you’re at it, I would recommend surrounding yourself with better people. No offense to Rummy, Wolfie and my boy Cheney, but they drove me down some wrong roads, man.
Kerry (rolling his eyes.): I really have to get going, I have a speech to make.
(Kerry starts to walk away. Bush keeps rambling on and Kerry starts sprinting toward the Capitol.)
(As Kerry is racing toward his inauguration, he turns back to Bush)
Kerry (yelling): Forget the military fatigues, dawg, you should be in a straightjacket.
(Kerry goes on to give a fabulous speech laying out a new direction for the country. Bush moves on to greener pastures. He does start his own line of military fatigues and sales soar because Kerry turns the economy around. Bush makes millions and lives happily ever after, hiding documents in his Presidential library.)
Charlie Eder is a sophomore majoring in mass communications and political science.