Don’t give love advice, Love

With Valentine’s Day approaching, the time has come for some couples to exchange sentiments of love, candy or wedding vows in front of Courtney Love. The lucky (or unfortunate) winner of the contest organized by 97X will be sent to Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where a wedding ceremony will be performed by Love. While conducting the ceremony, it can be expected that the rock star will most likely be drunker than the groom was at his bachelor party. For this reason, the rock station appropriately named the contest Courtney Love’s Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Well, maybe there are a couple more reasons. Before the winning couple is sent to Nevada, they will not only receive engagement rings but, if they are willing, “rings in their things” from a local tattoo shop. Listeners will vote on the best proposal written in 97 words or less.

Entries were due by Monday at 5 p.m., and the best five will be posted today. The radio station will rate the letters based on their creativity. Here’s a sample of how some proposal letters might read.

Dear Teresa,
Roses are red, violets are blue, I am broke and so are you. Your nagging for a marriage gives me the shivers, so let’s get married by Courtney Love while she’s on painkillers. Even if we divorce, the ring is free. What the hell … will you marry me?
Yours truly,

Dear Victoria,
I was such a bastard for saying I love the Boston Red Sox more than you. But it really made me mad when you said Derek Jet-ah is a hott-ah shortstop than Nom-ah Garciaparra. Nobody is bett-ah looking than Nom-ah, nobody, woman. But I forgive you because you are my Mia Hamm and I am your Nom-ah. Marry me.
Boston rules,

Dear Jim,
When I tried to break into your house in October, that wasn’t really me. I had an out-of-body experience because of all the painkillers I had taken. I was taken to the hospital and they had to treat me for a drug overdose. As I was lying there, I had a near-death experience and that’s when I realized you’re the one.
Yours until we die,

The last letter had to be eliminated since Love is supposed to be the ordained minister of the marriage ceremony. But, at about the same time the future bride and groom are announced Wednesday, Love will be taking care of her own commitments before the Valentine’s Day Massacre. On Wednesday, she will appear in court for a hearing to address her two felony counts for possession of a controlled substance. According to, Love pleaded not guilty to illegal possession of two prescription painkillers, Vicodin and OxyContin, even though they were discovered Oct. 2 when she was being treated for a drug overdose. Also on Oct. 2, she was arrested for breaking into her ex-boyfriend Jim Barber’s home.

So, if anyone knows how a healthy relationship should operate, it’s Love, I’m sure.

After all, Love is the one who has been fighting a custody battle with Kurt Cobain’s mother for the right to keep her and Cobain’s daughter, Frances Bean. The 11-year-old girl was placed in Wendy O’Connor’s custody after Love was charged with being under the influence of a controlled substance. Maybe Love could recommend a lawyer for the soon-to-be-wed couple if they split up or end up in a custody battle. After all, the marriage is already beginning as a massacre.

Grace Agostin is a senior majoring in mass communications.