Victoria: She has a secret for a reason

You can find them on runways. You can find them in department stores. You can find them in catalogs — which can subsequently be found on the floor in fraternity bathrooms. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors. And now, in case you couldn’t find enough of them, you can find them all over campus.

I am talking about underwear. Panties, unmentionables, drawers (which I am told is pronounced “draahs”) — whatever you call them, I am sure you have worn them at one point in time in your life.

While we have Britney, Christina and Beyonce to thank for the “dangerously low-rider” pants trend, we have the campus co-eds of USF to thank for the “Hey! Made–you-look” fad.

I don’t know how many times I have been sitting in class and have had some girl with all her glory hanging out in front of me. No, I’m not staring, but it’s kind of hard to concentrate on Caribbean religions when all you’re getting is a face full of satin.

Yes, I am a girl. Yes, I wear low-rider jeans. But I know that when I do, I am subconsciously paranoid that my unmentionables are being mentioned.

I can hear it now, “Heh heh, cool Beavis, this chick’s talking about underwear.”

I actually have to give credit to the guys as of late. Thanks to Queer Eye and the metrosexual revolution, men’s pants have been finding their way back to the hips, and boxers have found their way back inside the pants. Not that there aren’t a few stragglers to be had.

Now, while I am a personal fan of “butt covers” in general, one thing I am sick of is always seeing them. If you’re familiar with Oxygen’s Girls Behaving Badly, I need only make reference to a prank they pulled by sewing a thong to the top of a pair of pants so they would stick out ridiculously far. The reaction of bystanders to these girls panties literally crawling up their backs was classic. While anyone familiar with anatomy should know that it is physically impossible for anything to creep that far up someone’s buttcrack, the point was made.

Now, if seeing them in the classroom wasn’t enough, I have not once, but twice seen a pair of underwear literally lying around on campus. Some poor little pair of blue thongs with cherries printed all over them were lying on the outside stairwell of the CIS building last semester. Just yesterday, a pair of purple “grannies” was seen gracing the fence surrounding the construction site of the new parking garage. A pair of thongs lying outside of the new Maple dorm has also graced Ryan Meehan’s, The Oracle’s “big cheese,” presence on his way home from work, I am told.

Did I miss a memo somewhere? I have heard of leaving your thongs tacked to a bar in New Orleans. I have heard of throwing them at Tom Jones and the like. But what business does lingerie have lying around in the open? Reasonably, I would think that they fell out of someone’s bag or laundry basket. But the imagination can come up with some interesting counter-theories.

Some people may find the panties-showing thing sexy ala Halle Berry at the MTV awards. That’s fine. As long as it’s “in ‘da club,” with a bottle full of “bub,” (blah blah blah blah) making love, or whatever. But I also know that I don’t stand alone in the argument that they don’t need to be hanging out of your pants in the middle of class.

I realize that the fashions and trends call for lower waistlines. I also know that the designers have attempted to accommodate this fact by making low-rise underwear. When you bend over, they fall out. When you sit down they start to creep. So aside from pulling our pants up to our armpits ala Urkel, the only option is to simply tuck them in.

Wear those cute Britney-esque pants with pride. Just don’t be surprised if someone comes up to you, and instead of complimenting your pants says, “Heh heh. Cool. I can, like, see your underwear.”

Shannon McPherson is a junior majoring in public relations and an Oracle Opinion Editor.