The Straight 2 Video Chronicles
Here at The Oracle, we are blessed with free DVDs we are sent to review. Some are good, some are decent, but most are not worth anybody’s time. Each week, one of our staffers will waste their 90 minutes so you don’t have to waste yours (unless, of course, you want to) to give you a synopsis of those movies that are not worth a real review.
Cast: Malgorzata Foremniak, Wladyslaw Kowalski (Polish actors, in case you were wondering)
Tagline: Risk all that you possess (Namely, your time and sanity).
Tongue-Twister: The Polish-speaking friends who watched this movie with me said the English subtitles had to have come from a completely different script. But luckily, they said I didn’t miss much (I didn’t think I did).
Plot: In the bleak future (because the future is always bleak) there’s an addictive game, where people play to achieve notoriety and wealth (duh!), but some of them don’t come back. It’s up to Ash to solve the mystery of Avalon, but she needs the help of a mysterious stranger (Is there ever NOT a mysterious stranger in these movies?).
The Moneyshot: Ash and her team are fighting a machine that looks suspiciously like the battle machines in George Lucas’ Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Maybe they borrowed one, or two, or three …this movie is chockfull of science fiction clichÃ©s.
Movie Music Hell: If you love silent movies, you’ll love the “atmospheric” silence. That is, of course, when there isn’t self-important symphonic music drowning out the action and dialogue in the movie.
The real moral of this story: Don’t watch this movie unless you have Polish-speaking friends, Polish beer or both beside you.