I have a confession to make. My March 22 combination review of Van Wilder and Sorority Boys was incomplete because I showed up 10 minutes late to the screening of Van Wilder. Although I gave it higher marks than Sorority Boys, Wilder still got a D.

I had thought that maybe something important was explained in the first 10 minutes that I missed and therefore didn’t get every joke for the rest of the film as result of a running gag, which was explained only once. Maybe there was a deeper meaning to the bile I was subjected to for 80 of the 90 minutes worth of film. But after seeing the movie again – this time in its god-awful entirety – I’m leaning toward an F.

In the first 10 minutes you see: Van’s bare butt for the first of many times, an elderly Asian woman simulate oral sex and a foreign-exchange student from Banglapur graphically describe his fantasy night with a coed – complete with obscene gestures. In other words, not only did I not need to see the first 10 minutes of the film to make an educated opinion about it, I will never get that time back.

Even Student Body Vice-President and self-proclaimed “frat boy” Dave Mincberg – who happened to be at the same showing Sunday evening – said it was terrible.

But it’s not like seeing it again was completely by choice. My brother came over when two of my best friends from high school and I were watching some Girls Gone Wild when we had the option of seeing either Van Wilder again or checking out We Were Soldiers. Given the source of inspiration – or maybe the similarity in titles – we chose Wilder.

I had borrowed the Girls Gone Wild DVD collection from a friend because I had also come across an advance copy of Ultimate Fights (see review to your left). I wanted to compare both DVDs because it seemed strange they both are compilations of either bad dudes kicking the crap out of each other or drunk girls flashing their breasts for beads.

Both target college-aged males who want nothing more than sex and violence, and both capitalize off the work of other people.

But after watching six of the eight DVDs my friend (OK – he’s lonely) had lent me, I came to a conclusion: I never have to go to Mardi Gras because I’ve now seen everything there is to see. What these guys who produce the video do is go around to different areas where public nudity is encouraged and simply shoot video. And they take you right into the action – sometimes literally.

There is apparently a lake party somewhere in Utah where hundreds of boats – as well as sweaty bodies – converge for a day where free-spirited coeds do nothing but dance, drink, do drugs and get naked. For the record, no drug use was seen on these videos, but I can’t confirm whether everything that was shown was legal either.

Some of the video was downright pornographic, which was disappointing because the late-night TV advertisements suggest such a wholesome product.

So after a day of witnessing hours of gratuitous debauchery Sunday, my girlfriend and I decided it was time for a change of pace and caught the advance screening of The Sweetest Thing (also see review to your left).

But much to our shock, it appears that sex is all that women think of, too.

In the film, Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate play two booty-shaking, man-using single gals who believe independence is a better alternative to taking a chance on love. I’m sure that’s what every guy with 25 pounds of beads around his neck at Spring Break uses as his excuse, too.

But when Applegate’s character was asked in the women’s restroom if she would let another woman feel her realistic-feeling, surgically-enhanced breasts, she quipped, “Sure, that’s why I got them.”

The Sweetest Thing apparently tells us that men aren’t using women for their sexual exploits, it’s the other way around.

I tried to believe that until I recalled a scene from Girls Gone Wild where a girl who was about to flash asked the cameraman, “Who is going to see this video?” and he answered, “Oh, just me.”

But I must say the advance screening was much better this week than I reported in this column last week. Yes, it was sponsored by a radio station but, this time the radio guy made one of the best announcements I’ve heard to date:

“Go ahead and turn your cell phones off,” he said. “And we love babies, but if your baby starts crying, we’re gonna take him and stuff him in a box of popcorn until he stops.”

As graphic and inhumane as that sounds, it can’t be worse than some of that GGW footage.

But hey, that’s just my opinion, man.

Contact William Albritton at oraclewill@yahoo.com