Column: Janet Reno, the Pepsi Sun Dome and NCAAs

To kick off my last semester as your humble columnist, allow me this week to play Miss Cleo for about 550 words and see if I can peek into my magic eight ball regarding our collective future. If I prognosticate henceforth as well as I pick bowl games against the spread … well, this column isn’t worth an Argentine’s peso. But the genius of writing pieces like this is if you’re right, you’re a genius, and if you’re wrong, no one remembers. Hey, you learn things after a year and a half underneath the cartoon every Tuesday. Read and grow wiser …

Politics: Janet Reno figures out that a 63-year-old Parkinson’s patient with tons of political baggage doesn’t make the most attractive candidate, and she drops out of the governor’s race. The collective sigh of relief from partisan liberals is tangibly measured on anemometers statewide. The democrats are forced to run someone who’s unemployed and has no chance of winning (Lois Frankel, Bill McBride, Steve Spurrier), and Jeb keeps the governor’s mansion. But even the sacrificial lamb gets tens-of-millions of dollars donated to his or her cause from democrats still seething about the election disaster two years ago. Since money even moderately well spent equals votes, the race is close, but Bush wins.

USF: Students will have difficulty finding a place to park, the campus Bookstore will charge more than the off campus ones, and the dorms will be overpriced.

Slightly more bold predictions are that we break ground on a new athletic training facility before June after one or more anonymous donors pick up the balance of the tab. Your Sun Dome will soon be called the Pepsi Sun Dome (and if that deal falls through, fill in your favorite corporate sponsor here), and Marriott will lose their coveted campus food services contract after its expiration this summer. Finally, two parking garages and Greek housing will break ground this year … no more delays or waiting, it’s really going to happen.

Sports: The most boring year in pro sports history is set to begin. Has there ever been so little doubt about the upcoming champions in the four major sports?

The Yankees, Rams, Lakers, and Red Wings will own their respective leagues. Wake me when a major injury or the free agency periods hit. On the college level, Duke hoops roll (again), so does Miami football (Dorsey’s returning), and in an upset, Jeanette Lee wins the poll for sexiest female athlete over Anna Kournikova (at least Jeanette has won something more than a wedding ring from a hockey player.)

Here’s the one I’ve agonized over. As a proud resident of GreenbergOpolis (I’m the guy in the bandanna behind the basket at games, screaming at opponents and refs), the big question remains … will we make the NCAAs? Well, watch me waffle. I say 10 conference wins gets it done. If we get there, I’ll be spending my spring break at our first and second round site.

If we don’t, and I hate to say this, Coach Greenberg will be gone; either getting fired or moving to greener pastures. I really hope I’m wrong.

So remember, just like in Mission:Impossible, this column will self-destruct in five seconds, and you’ll only be reminded it ever existed if and when I’m proven correct.

Hey, does Miss Cleo ever advertise when she’s wrong?

  • Collin Sherwin is majoring in political science.