Column: Seeking the hardhitting news jobs

Folks, you will have to forgive me if I am a bit scattered this week.

I have been sending resumés and cover letters to anyone who even acts as if they have a job for me.With graduation only a tad more than a month away, the realization that I am going to be out of this cushy deal called college is more than I can handle.

For all of us receiving our diplomas in December, we head in the mean cold world during the worst recession in years.Due to cut backs and hiring freezes in the news media, I know it may be difficult to find a job as a reporter. But I will not be discouraged, because I found some interesting media jobs on the Internet.

Some of these positions are perfect “first-job-after-college” jobs. So I would like to share these secret gems with my fellow mass communications graduating seniors.

The first job I found was for a person to stand outside the Today Show and wave. I knew those guys were ringers, no way that many people would voluntarily stand in the element for hours just to be on television for a few seconds. The job description stated that you must be willing to act goofy and hold up a sign from Some Small Town, USA. Also, you must be able to talk to Al Roker without reminding him that he is just a weatherman.

Another job at 30 Rock – a position with the NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw dancers. The ad said: “Anytime Tom can’t make a personal appearance, this group of lovely ladies goes in his place. Must have own g-string.”

There were several jobs posted to work with a network news anchor.

At CBS, there is an opening for a person to tell Dan Rather he is a “news god” every hour on the hour. The workday is long, but you get an unlimited supply of Pepto-Bismol.

At ABC, Peter Jennings needs someone to help him practice acting American.

If I don’t get one of these jobs, there are still some opportunities at the lower level of network news.

There is a job to teach NBC correspondent Dan Abrams to lighten up. But the ad said this could involve getting slapped once in a while.

There is also an opening as a speech coach for CNN’s Greta Van Susteren. Physical injury also a possibility.There were some high profile jobs I knew I was not qualified for, so I did not even apply.

For example, the job as Larry King’s next wife. I am way too old for that one. And the job to convince everyone that Geraldo Rivera is a real journalist. I do have some pride left.

But pride goes before unemployment, so I would consider a media job outside of the news department.

There is a job to be Martha Stewart’s punching bag. Or I could be a celebrity rear-end kisser for Entertainment Tonight.

If I don’t get any of these jobs, it is nice to know one major network has already made me an offer.

I could be the next person who gets to hunt down and punish all the men who watch the Lifetime cable channel.

Hey, the slogan says it all – television for women.

  • Ann Norsworthy is The Oracle’s senior staff