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Column: Working toward a traditional campus

Monday, President Judy Genshaft announced the formation of a 34-member panel which will “review and refine the University’s existing planning documents.” It is an appropriate time to reflect on the changes that are needed to deal with our rapid growth and our conversion from a drive-thru to a more traditional college campus. People with a role in this University – students, faculty, staff and alumni -need to change their long-held perceptions about what this school is and what it’s goals should be. But under the blueprint laid out yesterday, only one undergraduate student will be selected to serve on the committee. Seeing that smart aleck opinion columnists don’t have much of a chance of getting appointed, I figured I’d chime in with my two cents to give the distinguished panel a place to start.

Some of the following are serious, some funny, but all are relevant to the current undergraduate experience on our campus. This is a great place to get an education, one of the most dynamic and exciting colleges in America. Implementing the following will help to keep it that way.

I, the nonmember of the universitywide task force, do hereby recommend the following:

All professors, who keep their office hours, are dedicated to the true education of their students and spend at least as much time preparing for classes as they do writing their next academic paper, which no one will ever read (unless it’s a book they make you buy for their class), shall be retained and given a 50 percent raise. Sometimes less is more, and bigger classes with faculty who care are much better than small classes with someone watching the clock waiting to get back to their desk.

With the upcoming budget cuts about to affect us all, our school needs to find new revenue streams without raising tuition. A fee of $10,000 shall be charged to any person on campus who attempts to get signatures for a petition, hands out a flyer for some place no one’s ever going to go, attempts to market a product that some corporate loser believes will “be really big with the college kids,” or in any way annoys large segments of our student population for their own financial gain. A fine of $20,000 shall be charged if that same person harasses any student twice on the same day, and a $40,000 fine will be imposed if they bother anyone while they’re eating.

On-campus housing shall be forced to be price and quality competitive with the off-campus apartment complexes springing up everywhere. How can you expect people to be excited about where they attend college when they’re paying more money to live in a dorm than a brand new apartment? Not to mention the freedom that comes without all the living restrictions of being a dormrat. A basis for a spirited campus is a thriving population, and since the private sector is doing a better job of housing our undergrads, the university needs to adjust to compete immediately.

All students shall be required to attend at least two campuswide events each semester. These include sporting events, university lectures, multicultural celebrations, and Homecoming. Any student still using the term “commuter campus” shall be immediately expelled and forced to sing our fight song on Crescent Hill before being reinstated.

So there ya go, important people. And good luck. We all wish you well.

  • Collin Sherwin is a junior majoring in political