I’ve never been much of a fashion guru. Jeans, shirt, sandals, done. But recently, even I’ve started to notice a horrible fashion trend — the ’80s are coming back.

Start running now.

Example No. 1: Jeans.

It is apparent that the nation’s jeans are under immense attack. Rips are more prevalent than actual denim, and tears are somehow cool. In my world, there is only one acceptable reason for ripped jeans — when they are too tight and the only way to walk is to slit the knee. That’s it.

While browsing in a store that sells pre-ripped jeans, I overheard an older gentleman observing a pair.

“It used to be you paid to look good,” he said. “Now you have to pay to look poor.”

That guy was right. Besides the advantage of free air conditioning, I don’t see any benefits in purchasing ripped jeans.

The jeans the older man was looking at, complete with multiple rips and paint stains, had a price tag of $90.

And that’s the thing: The more beat up the jeans are, the more they’ll cost you. Let me say that again: The more damage that is inflicted on the denim, the MORE you will pay.

I’ve done my research on this subject. Every clothing store — American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, department stores, etc. — all had ripped/stained/nuclear-tested jeans. And every time, those were the most pricey… by far.

For example, according to American Eagle’s Web site, the “Destroyed” line of jeans carry a $48 dollar price tag. Meanwhile, the regular jeans — sans any destruction — range from $29.50 to $39.50. At Abercrombie and Fitch, the difference between destroyed and regular jeans is $20.

I envy the person who dreamed up this idea, and actually thought it would work. It must have been some pitch.

OK, here we have a normal pair of jeans. Assistant, scissors please. Now, watch as I tear the right upper thigh and the left knee. Ah, magical. Assistant, paint please. Now, watch as I splatter paint on these jeans. Hot pink and bright green work well. Now, watch as I apply a $100 price tag.

Sold!

All this gave me an idea. Starting Monday, I’m setting up shop in front of the Marshall Center. I will bring a rainbow of paints and high-quality scissors. And for a measly $15, I will rip and paint your jeans. It’s a great deal, really, because unlike the clothing stores, this will be totally customizable. A rip here, a tear there, whatever you dream up. The possibilities, undeniably, are endless. Just show up early (lines are sure to be long.) And no, you can’t be wearing them.

Example No. 2: Snugness is rising.

People are getting extra close to their clothes these days. Shirts are so tight they appear to be an extra layer of skin. Apparently, the tighter, the cooler. But to me, it’s different. It should be the tighter, the more feminine.

We need action to reverse this trendy trend. If Congress can get involved in Major League Baseball, can’t it get involved in this crisis as well? It needs to, because before too long, the ’80s will be back. And they will consume us.

Soon, Alf will have a new show, REO Speedwagon will reunite and crimping irons will fly off the shelves. It will be like living in an early episode of Saved By the Bell.

It must be stopped. Need I say more?

John Calkins is a junior majoring in journalism. oraclecalkins@yahoo.com