The following situation is probably a huge misrepresentation of reality, but it’s been festering in the back of my head long enough to make me write it down.

When the economy gets bad, students who would normally go into the real world after graduation find few jobs available. Graduate school becomes much more enticing. An advanced degree promises to give students higher qualifications and more of an edge when they get their master’s or Ph.D. The problem is that graduate schools become inundated with applications, so getting in is just as hard as getting a job. Furthermore, some students decide to change their direction and go to law school or medical school, crowding admissions there, too. It’s enough to make me panic before I’ve even begun the process.

To weed out people who aren’t serious, law schools and medical schools are looking for more real world experience, which is exactly what we don’t have. The average age of admitted medical students is 26.5 years old. The average age for incoming law school students is 24 years old. These schools are looking for applicants who have already worked in hospitals and law firms as interns and aides. Getting a lower ranking job like medical technician or paralegal for a year or two is now supposed to be the key to getting into the school of your choice.

What kind of sick, twisted minds came up with this catch-22? Students can’t get into medical school because they don’t have actual medical experience. They don’t have actual medical experience because they’ve been in school studying. Students study hard in school because if they don’t, they will never get a job. I’m almost ready to join the military in a time of war just so I won’t have to deal with this lunacy. By the time my tour of duty is over, the economy should pick back up and things will be fine. Law schools will stop turning away kids with excellent GPAs and high LSAT scores because they focused on their schoolwork and not the changing tide of law school admissions. Graduate schools will only get students that are interested in the academic, not the resume building aspect of an MBA or Ph.D.

To the freshman on campus: Leave. You’re wasting your time here if you want to be a doctor. Go train to be a nurse or an EMT at a community college, and after just a little more schooling, you’ll be the perfect candidate for medical school. There is something to be said about initiative, and anyone willing to jump into law without a license has got to have what law schools are looking for.

If you’re sane enough not to want to go into graduate school, you should have started hanging around the place you want to work in middle school. By the time you graduate with a bachelor’s degree, you’ll have just enough experience to get that coveted entry-level position. If you’re just now realizing how far behind you are in the career game, cry. There’s nothing you can do now.

Actually, that’s not true. Finish reading the rest of this newspaper. Save it, and you can use these free, informative publications to wipe windshields of cars for quick, easy money while they are stopped at the crosswalk on Lindsey Street. Repeat as necessary until the stock market begins to soar again.

University Wire