I’m all about fairness most of the time. By and large, gay and lesbian marriages are not legal in this country. Even though I’m straight and free to marry, this seems unfair to me. I have figured out a compromise that I think will level things a bit: Since gays can’t get married, straight people can no longer divorce.

I’m pretty sure that the reluctance to allow homosexual marriages is rooted in the belief that it’s against something in the Bible. How quaint. Well, the Bible says divorce is wrong. The Bible won’t let someone who has been divorced be a priest anymore. This is according to Leviticus 21. There are also some rumblings about it in Malachi 2. When it comes to homosexuality, we’re taking something from the Bible and making a secular law out of it. If we’re going to single out one segment of the population with it, we might as well apply the laws to everyone.

The divorce ban can be justified by more than just a book. Most people tend to blame their present problems on some childhood trauma. Divorce is a pretty big trauma for kids. Sure, some people can channel that trauma into positive things. Divorce can create a Kurt Cobain, but it usually ends up giving us another Lifetime movie, or worse, another Lifetime original series. I’ll at least eliminate one excuse.

Divorces are expensive. Couples spend a lot of money and gain very little ground during divorces. With the problems facing our economy, couldn’t our money be better spent? Plus, it would save men the trouble and expense of wooing 25-year-old trophy wives. Instead of paying a lawyer huge fees to make sure that one spouse gets something the other spouse won’t, how about saving the money for the kids’ college fund? Seriously, it’s a pain working and going to school.

In case you were wondering, I’d have some kind of emergency clause available for women who are being abused or something like that. I don’t want to be unreasonable or anything.

If you’re thinking this sounds absurd, it is. The people who make the laws also tend to get divorced. They need to pander to some sort of misguided morality that prevents equal treatment. It’s immature and stupid that we don’t let consenting adults get married just because of whom they want to marry. I’m maintaining that divorce is more destructive than gay marriage.

Here’s one of my favorite arguments. People say that allowing homosexuals to get married will somehow destroy the institution of marriage. I love hearing that. There are plenty of heterosexual people who are dragging down the institution of marriage. Look at television. There was “Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire?” and “The Bachelor.” We don’t need homosexuals to destroy the tradition because we heterosexuals are doing a fine job. As of 1997, the likelihood that a first marriage would end in divorce was 50 percent (according to Divorce Magazine’s Web site, which itself is indicative of a problem).

It just doesn’t make sense to me why we selectively enforce antiquated morality. Not allowing two people who are in love with each other to marry is wrong. If two people are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together, they should. And if it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce.

Chris Ricketts is a junior majoring in English.ruinedeye@aol.com