Bull Ring, open for menu suggestions?

A recent trip to Bull Ring – the proprietorship that proclaims itself a Bulls-themed restaurant – left me miffed. I noticed the Bulls merch as I entered, but besides a few framed banners and drinks named the “Bull Market” and “No Bull,” it’s hard to distinguish the eatery from any other sports bar. Maybe what this restaurant needs are some awesomely named menu items.Starting with the appetizers.

Woolard’s Wings: Choice chicken wings coming from the amiable braintrust of the USF Athletic Department. Doug personally handpicked the four sauces: mild, plain, easygoing and taupe.

Kiefer’s Crab Cakes: Tasty tidbits of Northeast crab from the resident New Englander. Each crab is personally hand recruited by the men’s soccer skipper. Publications would be crazy to not rank these cakes in the Top 25 next season.

Andre Hall-You-Can-Eat: A combination of bottomless fried cheese and Woolard Wings. This one broke selling records as soon as it showed up on the menu. Entire meal has a combined 1,374 grams of fat to honor Hall’s single-season school record of the same number. Anyone who eats the entire meal gets it for free.

Time for the entrees.

Logan’s Hero: A healthy dish that can be described best by its namesake. “A Logan Fleck sandwich would have imaginary hamburger, cheese, lettuce, tomato, healthy, healthy. You can’t put mayonnaise; how about a heaping helping of vinaigrette because of my health consciousness. And on the side, of course, I’d have a plate of potato chips.”

Men’s Basketball Burgers: Rough, tough meat on average cheese, with a so-so sesame bun. One or two ingredients away from being a decent burger. You can’t eat the whole thing before it falls apart in the end.

Judy Genshaft Chicken: Everyone has been working very hard to bring the first “Research I” chicken. Two years ago, we set out to have one of the nation’s top 50 chicken sandwiches. It is on one level a lofty goal, but it is an attainable goal as long as we stay focused. This chicken sandwich is going in the right direction. But we must be resilient and continue to adapt to the sometimes unpredictable and external environment.

Lee Roy Selmon’s Barbecue platter: This one is available pending a subpoena.

“Brie” Spence: High-end cheese from the softball player who serves up the high cheese. Served with Ken’s Gold Medal crackers.

Joey Angel’burgers’: This heavenly burger comes straight out of “right” field. This burger brings the mustard, pepper and a can of corn.

Grilled ChiChi Okpaleke: Not sure what this consists of; it just sounds delicious.

Each entree comes with two sides, such as-

Leavitt Fries: A staple of American food to complement a staple of USF athletics for 10 years. Don’t posture and pull your hair on these tasty treats. Even though the fries’ namesake might have trouble describing them, one taste of these spicy spuds and your hunger will be “but a vapor.”

Jose Frijoles: Spicy southern-style beans from the Jose Fernandez – the most frank coach at USF. Beans are flavored with the nationally renown Dickson’s barbecue sauce, but the other ingredients or the supporting cast really need to step up for you to include this as your side dish.

I think I am onto something, because when I spoke to the owner of the Bull Ring, Jim Zmerich, he said there are already plans in the works to incorporate USF-themed menu items. Some of the names he threw at me were Jim Leavitt Linguini, Eddie Cardieri Calamari, Jose Fernandez Fondue and Logan Fleck Fries.

I’m a big fan of USF-themed items. In fact, I would like to sit down for a nice meal and maybe have (punter Brandon) Baker put the food in the oven, then possibly pop open a bottle of (baseball player Ryan) Bordeau, have everyone bow their heads and say (women’s basketball player Shantia) Grace and not have to worry about the check because we can all go (women’s tennis player Gabriela) Duch.