I have everything I could want: A loving wife, a cat, a home and an iPod. Nevertheless, I am going to ask for some items that I think would be neat to have, even though they are not really just for me.
One errand I’d like you to run concerns all those being held illegally or tortured on behalf of the citizens of America. How about bringing them some chocolate along with the message that not all inhabitants of America are cruel? Most of us don’t condone throwing blood on prisoners, telling them it’s menstrual blood, or terrifying them with dogs, mock executions and the like. I think we can all agree that ripping out people’s finger- and toenails should never be done to anyone.
If that’s too much to ask, could you at least make sure the truth about those despicable acts gets out? That would usually be the job of the mainstream press, I know, but those guys seem to be busy being intimidated and writing books about how great they are.
I’d also like you to drop by the White House. I know this is usually not your line of work, but I hear both the Ghost of Christmas Future and the Ghost of Christmas Past are busy. The Ghost of Christmas Present is available; he’s just too whiny.
For far too long, the president has been cooped up in his bubble with no one telling him the true nature of the economy, the war and most other things a president should be truthfully informed about. Past advisers who spoke bluntly to him were fired, the ones he has right now are too scared to do so and any new adviser that has been hired as of late is informed to tell him only what he wants to hear. No wonder his notions are a bit messed up.
He’s also apparently not listening to his dad. You see, his dad, George Bush Sr., said it would be a bad idea to topple Saddam Hussein’s regime for all the reasons we are now experiencing: A power struggle between Iraq’s factions that kills American soldiers by the hundreds, yet only worsens America’s standing in the Middle East. Maybe he needs a different authority figure to have a little chat with him. You’d be good at that.
Don’t scare him too much, though. Sure, he needs to see the suffering of all the families who are living in poverty and the true situation in Iraq, but he’s led a sheltered life and has never been in combat himself – so be kind.
My third wish is one of those “would be nice” items. Only do it if you’ve got the time. You see, some people on what is known as the “Christian right” need to be reminded what Christmas is all about. Why they care if a Christmas tree is called “holiday tree” or not is beyond me. Instead, they should focus more on that “loving thy neighbor” thing, rather than acting like everyone is against them. Nobody is buying that anyway since Congress, the Supreme Court and the White House are more than happy to cater to their needs. (While you’re at it, maybe you could bring Pat Robertson some new marbles? He seems to have lost some.)
These may be what are called “hard-to-get items.” But I’ve tried everywhere and couldn’t get them myself. I’ve also been writing about these problems for years now, and frankly, it’s depressing me a little, to say the least.
I am also aware that you’re a busy man and may have other problems to take care of. You’re probably busy staying afloat while the North Pole is melting. This global warming thing we know exists – that our government keeps trying to ignore it because it’s convenient – must be causing problems even for you.
I’ll be sure to put out some cookies and milk for all your troubles. Or maybe you’d like some other stuff? I have some good scotch in the house. Just let me know what tickles your fancy, and I’ll make sure it’s there.
You may ask yourself, “Why don’t you guys get these things yourself?” That’s a very good question. I’m afraid I don’t have the answer.
Hopefully you can help.
Sebastian Meyer is a senior majoring in political geography and a former Oracle Opinion Editor.