No, this isn’t a misprint. You’re not reading the wrong section. There are some glaring needs in the world of sports, and it’s time to fill them, even if there has to be ads taken out to do so.
Wanted: special teams coach.
The USF football team is considering hiring a new special teams coach as of Saturday. Must be able to coach linemen and kickers into successful extra-point conversions. No coaching experience required. Gramaticas welcome.
Wanted: NFL receiver.
Semi-contender seeks decent pass catcher with sub-4.7 40-yard dash. Locker room cancers, prima donnas and male divas need not apply. Applicants should also not refer to themselves in the third person. No clients of Drew Rosenhaus. Salary non-negotiable.
Wanted: cheerleader (2).
Do you love the Carolina Panthers? Do you love to dance and cheer? Then maybe you should try out to be the next “Top Cat.” Two spots have opened up recently to join our very close group of classy women. Must be perky. Prefer candidates with aversions to trysts in public stalls. Please do not refer to Web site.
Wanted: baseball manager.
Abysmal Florida team seeks a skipper to lead team out of AL East cellar. Note: Team is under new ownership. Repeat, this is not Vince Naimoli’s team. Owner is looking to change spending habits from poor to moderate. Japanese team managers are encouraged to apply.
Wanted: college football expert.
Do you hate the BCS? Can you explain why UCF’s postseason future is clearer than USF’s, or why people consider Alabama the No. 3 team in the country? Do you know why the Big 12 stinks? Can you explain Tennessee’s collapse? Then we are looking for you. Bring answers with backup information including charts and/or graphs.
Wanted: point guard.
Team in “South” Florida looking for player to step in and guide offense. Must be able to handle program’s toughest schedule in history. Must have an “attitude” and “behavior” that is not “detrimental” to the team, and must “take advantage of numerous opportunities to fit in.” Serious inquiries only. Ask for B-Mac.
Wanted: offensive coordinator.
Successful sports franchise in the Northeast seeks direction after recently falling to 4-4. Looking for a football genius who has no desires to coach his alma mater. Benefits include coaching one of NFL’s best quarterbacks that almost anyone could win with. Definite possibility of going to a Super Bowl.
Wanted: baseball general manager.
New England baseball team is looking for a young, energetic general manager to replace a young, energetic general manager. Both salary and available team payroll will be ridiculously high; candidate would be crazy to ever leave the job.