Stewart’s good thing goes bad

Just when you thought Martha-mania was over, another installment of the domestic diva’s bizarre biography hit the small screen on Monday night, appropriately titled Martha Behind Bars. The television movie detailed Martha Stewart’s turbulent journey through the infamous ImClone scandal, the subsequent trial and culminated in her greatly anticipated incarceration.

The movie leaves the viewer completely repulsed by the billionaire who fell prey to her greed and the people who waste two hours of their lives watching it. The only entertainment value comes from watching Stewart scrub the prison bathroom floor and losing the Christmas decorating contest to another inmate.

Although she was found guilty of lying about receiving and acting on insider information regarding her ImClone stocks, Stewart maintains her innocence and seems convinced that she graciously served time for something she did not do. Obviously, Stewart’s ego has exceeded its recommended capacity and ballooned into a blinding mass of arrogance and denial. However, the courts finally served up some justice American-style, proving that the concept of equality under the law still applies to people who can afford to purchase their own island.

Throughout Stewart’s trial, defense lawyers continuously pointed out that the sum of money involved in her ImClone stock investment amounted to a mere 1 percent of her total wealth; accordingly, it did not make any rational sense why someone of her means would be so desperate to avoid such an insignificant loss. It makes sense because the rich always want to be richer. Greed is a powerful, motivating force and it is precisely what inspired Stewart to begin working towards global domination all those years ago.

It is absolutely pathetic that a celebrity who commands the admiration and respect of millions can enjoy all of life’s luxuries and still want more. The fact that Stewart consciously committed a crime for a slight fraction of her fortune reveals a legitimate character flaw; clearly, this woman is missing something in her life. Unfortunately, not even the tastiest coconut cream cheese pinwheels or the most vibrant potted pansies can heal these wounds.

Following her sentencing, there was great speculation over how Stewart would behave in prison and adjust to the confines of drab, white walls and poor lighting. There was little concern for her well-being. Americans were undeniably amused by the idea of Stewart being locked away in such a sterile, unfriendly environment.

But Stewart suffered little more than the occasional heartburn from prison food since she was assigned to Alderson Federal Prison, a female dormitory disguised as a correctional facility. If you ignore the prison guards and the barbed wire fences, Stewart’s requested prison destination could be comparable to Castor Hall, complete with individual rooms for each inmate and ample opportunities for socialization.

Prison security even sponsored a Christmas decorating contest for the convicts, which clearly indicates that criminal punishment is not what it used to be. In essence, Stewart took a well-deserved vacation from the stresses of running a billion-dollar company, even if she had to spend it with a group of convicted felons.

Stewart went to jail and served her sentence to put this whole legal fiasco behind her, and now it’s time we do the same. It may be difficult, but it’s important to realize that everyone makes mistakes, even psychotic perfectionists. Hopefully, Stewart has learned from this experience and will reconsider lying to government officials the next time she is investigated for a federal crime.

Now, that’s a good thing.