Keys to avoiding a beatdown

There has to be an easy way to improve my social life.

Those who know me understand that I’m not much of a party person. An outsider looking in would say that I’m boring. Some would say that I’m just obeying the rules of my beloved wife (Sorry ladies!). But the honest truth is: I don’t participate in the “nightlife” for two simple reasons.

One. I don’t want a keg chucked at my head.

Two. Chances are, I wouldn’t enjoy getting beat up outside of a nightclub.

You would think I was scared of being jumped by a gang or something. It’s not gangs I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid of football players.

University of Florida linebacker Taurean Charles was attending a party June 13 when a brawl erupted between some football players and members of the Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter at UF. Charles decided that the best course of action in this situation was to fling a keg at the head of his foe.

Turns out that was not the best course of action.

Tuesday, he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of culpable negligence. The victim, UF student Dane Eagle, is still recovering from the fight and may have face surgery in the near future to correct breathing difficulties. Charles will likely be suspended from the team, but will see no more jail time for his crime than the four days he has under his belt.

Staying with the chomp of the Gators, fellow linebacker Channing Crowder was arrested before the 2004 season for assaulting a man outside of a nightclub. Crowder was only suspended one game for the incident, against a weak non-conference opponent and the issue was never heard of again. Crowder is now set to join the NFL draft where he will likely make millions.

Crowder and Charles follow a long line of collegiate athletes who cross the boundaries of their privileges.

Why do athletes get the pass? If it’s not violence, it’s something else.

If I threw a keg at someone, much less had the ability to lift one, I think I’d be sitting in jail right now, wondering about the relationship with my new boyfriend, Skull. If I had beat someone to a pulp and then attempted to flee the police, I’d have been tazered and peppersprayed.

The bottom line is that athletes think they are above the law.

Why shouldn’t they? Since these athletes were in their youth, they have been getting special treatment.

Want to hear the ultimate story of special treatment?

Everyone remembers the scandal at the University of Colorado. There were rumors of recruiters buying prostitutes for their high school athletes. The former female kicker on the team accused another player of rape.

Nothing was done.

Coach Gary Barnett was suspended but then reinstated. His Colorado Buffs did so well this year that he was awarded the Associated Press Big 12 Coach of the Year.

How about FSU, free shoes university?

Now, let us focus on the pinnacle of special treatment.

The Ohio State University.

If the allegations are true, then OSU has been giving players rental cars without charging them, giving them jobs where there is no work to get a free pay check, and getting tons of money from boosters to do with what they please. Buckeye QB Troy Smith was suspended from their bowl game this season because he took money from a booster.

I guess I can understand being stressed out to the point of tossing a keg at someone. But with all the free money, free cars, and free clothes to deal with, why wouldn’t someone freak out?

So the next time you’re at a party, keep your eyes open for the next flying keg. These guys are under a lot of pressure to keep their benefits, and if you cross their path you could be faced with a Veruca Salt-esque tantrum.