Being the Washington D.C. insider that I am, I was able to get my hands on a pretty juicy document: President Bush’s letter to Santa Claus.

But just so you know, Dan Rather gave it to me. I’m just saying.

Here it is, verbatim:

Dear Santa,

It’s me, George Jr. I hope this reaches you in time because I could use some help.

First things first though, I just want you to know, despite what certain people say, I know you are real. I don’t care what Mr. Cheney says. He doesn’t know anything. I asked for a war in 2002 and re-election last year–and look what happened–I got both. So I know you’re out there. You can’t hide, Mr. Claus. You see, there’s an old saying in Texas, I’m sure you have it in the North Pole too. It says “fool me once, shame on . . . shame on you. You fooled me, can’t get fooled again.” Um, just ask Saddam.

Anyway, I know you’re busy, so I won’t keep you long.

Wait, hold on a second.

Well, Tom Ridge just resigned.

Speaking of homeland security, if I were you, I’d arrive early this year. Airports and immigration are pretty tight these days. And Rudolph, with the different nose and all, probably won’t be allowed in.

Anyway, this year I need your help more than before. First off, I need some assistance with the United Nations. Yes, I know I’ve been a bit hypocritical with them. Like the other day when I was in Canada, I said a reason we went to Iraq was to enforce a U.N. Security Council resolution. Never mind the U.N. did not actually support the actual war. But that’s all right; it’s just politics. You wouldn’t understand. I just need you to get them on my side. But be warned, I’ve tried, and it’s pretty dang hard.

Wait, hold on a second.

John Ashcroft just resigned.

Which reminds me, is there any way you could make gay people un-gay? Just wondering.

Anyway, I am getting off track here. As you may know, things are not going totally as planned in Iraq. Yes, there are some good things. There’s no Saddam and people are free and we’ve given democracy a chance. But the whole situation could be better. You see, we’re trying to get things ready for Iraq’s national elections in January and things remain fairly unstable. I mean, 117 American soldiers died just in November.

Wait, hold on a second.

Sorry about that. All that war talk reminded me, and I just ordered 1,500 more soldiers to Iraq. That makes about 150,000 total–a new high.

Wait, hold on a second.

Okay, sorry, Colin Powell just resigned. Oh well.

By the way, as always, any help with Osama, WMD, gas prices, the economy, education, foreign relations, the environment–you know, stuff like that–is always welcome. Actually, on second thought, don’t worry about the environment.

By the way, any untapped oil reserves up there? Just wondering.

Anyway, here’s another thing about Iraq: I need some help with winning some hearts and minds. I could really, really use your help in that department. So, why don’t you make a stop in Iraq and spread some Christmas cheer? Maybe help put up some lights, plant a few pine trees and train a group of carolers. Anything will do–be creative here. I just know the joy of Christmas will go a long way in spreading happiness and delight throughout the Iraqi population.

Wait, hold on a second.

I’ve just been told that Iraqi people don’t celebrate Christmas. But that’s OK, go ahead as planned anyway. After all, what could go wrong?

Merry Christmas,

President George W. Bush.

John Calkins is a junior majoring in mass communications. oraclecalkins@yahoo.com