Column: Sending aid to the Afghans

And now for a bit of levity.

In addition to dropping bombs on Afghanistan, the United States is also dropping “humanitarian daily rations” to the Afghan people. And I think that is grand, but darn it, we need to give them more. And not just Afghanistan, but how about those ticked-off people in Pakistan. They need new stuff, too.

So, here are some suggestions for the next items to send to this region.

While the food supplies we are sending contain items such as bean salad, crackers and peanut butter, they do not include condiments. I think the first item on the list should be condiments. Especially, ranch dressing. It is so versatile. It can be used on salads, sandwiches or as a tasty dip with celery and Buffalo wings.

Now that the food stuff is set, the next things we can airlift to Afghanistan are the unused gift packs from the canceled Emmy Awards show. Each Emmy presenter was to receive a basket of goodies, including PalmPilots, cell phones, expensive perfumes and all the things really rich people need. However, this maneuver is not without risks.

The Taliban might get ahold of the baskets, and the poor people of Afghanistan would once again be denied the help they need.

OK, maybe the gift basket idea is silly. After all, what would a terrorist do with an electronic day planner?
7 a.m. – Wake up.
8:30 a.m. – Yell anti-American comments.
9 a.m. – Give interview and talk about the evil Americans.
9:30 a.m.-11 p.m. – Hang out in caves and think bad things about Americans.
11 p.m. – Hide from American bombs.

We could also give them the leftover Emmy statues. Of course, we would also have to send them Joan Rivers to comment on what the local terrorists are wearing.

But soon, most of the terrorists, such as Osama and his posse, will be gone. Then, the Afghan people are going to need some new celebrities. I have some close sources that tell me we are going to send them Entertainment Tonight’s Mary Hart to let the people know who the new celebs are.

We should also send them Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie would be the ideal candidate to lead the politically correct police. Her first action would be to change the name of the Pakistan capital. Islamabad sounds so negative. Rosie would immediately change it to Islamagood.

Speaking of Pakistan, the people will probably continue to protest for a while. So, we need to send them some new rocks to throw. An American company is now manufacturing special rocks for the discriminating protesters. “Our rocks are the best for hitting the riot police,” a company spokesman said.

There are three designs of rocks, each with a special message: “Death to America,” “America sucks” and “We hate Rosie.”

The company also makes American flags and George W. Bush dolls for the protesters to burn.

“We are heading into a recession. We should make some money off of these protests,” the spokesman said. “Plus, a U.S. president cannot call his administration successful until he is burned in effigy.”

Now, if you don’t agree with the new humanitarian part of our mission, don’t go “O’Reilly” on me.

Just send a note to your congressman. Our politicians do listen.

  • Ann Norsworthy is The Oracle senior staff writer.