Conservatives have no reason for complaints
I’m so tired of conservative complaining. Why are you never happy? What more do you Reagan-omic, gun-toting, SUV-driving, religious, anti-free speech war-mongers want? You’ve stolen the White House. You have the House and the Senate. You even have the Supreme Court (as evidenced by the fact that you have the White House). In fear of being labeled “unpatriotic,” most of the Democrats in congress will vote with you. And still you whine. “The media is liberal. The media is liberal.”
What is the cause of your paranoia? You aren’t losing anything. We “evil liberals” are not coming into your gated communities (except to clean your houses and pools). Your golf courses are safe (and well-maintained, thanks to us).
Things are looking up for you. You preach about closing the borders and “cracking down on immigration.” But you don’t really want that. Imagine your shock upon reviewing the tab of your “written off” business trip and seeing a $50 glass of orange juice because the 10 cents-a-day migrant worker was deported and a minimum wage-earning teenager was hired in his place.
Look on the bright side, conservatives. Soon we’ll be killing innocent people in Iraq, just like you want. I’m sure your diversified portfolios will benefit from some good old-fashioned patriotic war-time consumerism (yellow ribbons, U.S.A. T-shirts, bumper stickers, Desert Storm II commemorative glassware, etc.)
Cheer up, conservatives, and please stop being so paranoid. I’m sure you’ll get everything you deserve — on second thought, maybe you should be concerned.
Stephen C. Bedell is a sophomore majoring in political science.